Alternative Sports Personality of the Year 2010

Hey,

So, a jockey won Sports Personality of the Year then. Much has been said about this, as many have questioned if he was really the deserving winner. Even more has been said about the justification of Phil Taylor coming second for dominating a game which is best suited for the pub.

I'm going to avoid these arguments, for I do not see the point of Sports Personality of the Year anyway. For you see, the awards aren't for Sports Personality as such, merely it is a trophy for the person who has won the most trophies. You can be a dour sod, the physical conception of the colour beige, and still be Sports Personality of the Year. It has nothing to do with personality at all, or how an athlete entertained the public, making them laugh, cry or moan - examples of a personality, you could argue.

We don't look back at past winners with fondness, but with a shrug. Zara Phillips? Meh. Ryan Giggs? Aye he's good at football, but have you seen him with an autocue? It's awkward. I have nothing against Giggs or Phillips, they are great atheletes. But are they great personalities?

With this in mind I propose my own Sports Personality of the Year Awards...

Young Sports Personality of the Year: Mohammed Amir

Amir is only 18, but he is a bloody good cricketer. So good infact that he is Pakistan's main seam bowler and in the summer he was dismantling the English top-order with so much ease comparisons to Wasim Akram were flying about.

Unfortunately for Amir, he had many talents. Like Ricky Wong in "We Can Be Heroes" who was both a world-class actor and a Ph.D student of physics, Amir also enjoys acting. So much so that in a match against England he performed a no-ball. On purpose. For Money. It was showmanship that many theatre veterens (and book makers) loved. The boy has potential, but like Wong, he will have to choose soon between acting and cricket - otherwise things, as we have seen with this little stunt, will get really complicated.

Team of the Year: Stjarnan FC

Who, I hear you ask? Well, as soon as you read a bit more you impatient little fiend it will all make sense.

Stjarnan FC are an Icelandic football team who became an overnight sensation with their goal celebrations. To put simply, they are superb (I recommend the fish and the toilet celebrations). In a year in which Coca-Cola tried to attach themselves to the concept of celebrations in cringe-worthy adverts which show Roger Milla parading about with a bottle of Coke and no teeth (coincidence?) the have been refreshing and a source of inspiration for many celebration ideas. Trust me, the fish celebration is very difficult to do.

Overseas Personality of the Year: Mother Russia!

They haven't really done anything great,nor do they really deserve it. But they paid me an awful lot of money to get this, and they threatened to break my legs, too. Putin knows judo. So hail to Russia, the worthy winners!

Sports Personality of the Year: Paul Gascoigne

Any footballer who can get himself inadvertently involved in the biggest man-hunt this country has seen in recent times aimed with chicken, lager and fishing rods is the only real candidate for Sports Personality of the Year. Incidentally, he won it in 1990, and we all love an anniversary don't we?